Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence has been mentioned increasingly over the past few years. On many levels—such as societal and organizational—we have given much more attention to emotions. And for good reason, as we’ve discovered how important it is for people to thrive in their daily lives and also how they thrive. For example, initiatives like hybrid workplaces have been introduced, allowing more flexible work schedules instead of requiring people to show up at 8 AM every day. Similarly, awareness campaigns and news about well-being have become more common. But what exactly is emotional intelligence?

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, as well as to manage interpersonal relationships (the ability to differentiate between one’s own and another person’s internal experiences). It’s about enhancing our understanding of emotions and how we use them to benefit our well-being. The better we understand how our emotions work and how we use them, the better we can grasp emotional intelligence.

The word “emotion” originates from the Latin term emotio, a combination of “e” and “motion.” “Motion” means “to move,” and the prefix “e” means “away,” signifying “to move away.” This indicates that the function of emotions is to drive us to act. For instance, it might be our urge to say “thank you” when someone does something kind for us, or to enter fight-or-flight mode when faced with something intimidating. Intelligence in this context refers to perceiving and understanding the emotions we experience. It involves exploring what’s happening inside us and attempting to understand how we perceive our emotions.

Throughout evolution, the overarching purpose of emotions has been survival. However, in today’s society, our emotional instincts don’t always align with how we thrive. This is where emotional intelligence helps us optimize. For example, we now understand that yelling at or hitting children doesn’t positively affect their upbringing, whereas providing them with safety and care achieves much better results. We have impulses and instinctive reactions that we respond to unconsciously, but by questioning our behavior and emotions, we can increase our awareness of them and gain a better understanding of how we want to react and feel. This is where we can begin to grasp what emotional intelligence is and why it is here to stay.

We will explore these four components:

1. Self-awareness: The ability to recognize and understand one’s own emotions.
2. Self-regulation: The ability to manage and regulate one’s emotions.
3. Social awareness: The ability to understand others’ emotions and perspectives.
4. Relationship management: The ability to build and maintain positive relationships.

As we examine these four aspects of the model, we’ll include various exercises to help improve emotional intelligence in each area. But before diving into the components, it’s also essential to understand how the brain functions in relation to emotional intelligence.

Neurology and Emotional Intelligence

Human emotions have evolved over millions of years. We began with instincts that helped us decide within a split second whether to fight or flee. These instincts aided our survival, whether we were hunting prey or escaping predators, and ensured both our survival and reproduction. Over time, we discovered that working together in groups significantly improved our chances of survival and reproduction. This cooperative behavior has enabled us to thrive all the way to the present day.

In the 21st century, these instincts are no longer as relevant in the same way, but they still reside within us to some extent. For instance, we might feel the urge to shout at or even strike others—a behavior rooted in our ancient fight-or-flight instincts—but societal and cultural influences have significantly altered our actions. Over millions of years, these social and cultural environments have shaped our instincts and modified our behavior, creating a more civilized society where we no longer fear stepping outside. These influences have also established norms and values that we follow to maintain peace.

Understanding that humans are governed by both biological and neurological processes they cannot escape helps us grasp emotional intelligence more easily. Emotional intelligence enables us to comprehend how we react and how we can change our emotional experiences. The brain is a complex system, but understanding emotional intelligence also requires a basic understanding of the key areas in the brain that affect our emotions.

The Limbic System

The limbic system is a set of structures deeply involved in our emotions and motivation. It regulates bodily functions such as appetite, sleep, and sexuality, and it plays a crucial role in our ability to learn from emotional experiences. The limbic system includes the amygdala, hippocampus, and hypothalamus.

Amygdala is an almond-shaped structure reacts extremely quickly to potential threats or rewards. When activated, it triggers a cascade of physiological reactions, such as increased heart rate, sweating, and muscle tension, preparing us to either fight or flee. The amygdala provides us with emotional experiences and helps us remember events associated with strong emotions, whether positive or negative.

The hippocampus is often compared to a hard drive, the hippocampus is responsible for consolidating new memories and transferring them to long-term memory. It also plays a key role in spatial memory, enabling us to navigate our surroundings.

The hypothalamus is a small and vital structure at the base of the brain. It maintains the body’s homeostasis by regulating processes such as temperature, hunger, thirst, sleep, and hormone production.

For example, when heading out to meet friends or attending work, the limbic system contributes to anxious thoughts like: How do I look? Do I look good enough? What if I sit alone? Am I laughing correctly? The amygdala tries to protect us and keep us safe—this is something we experience throughout our lives.

The Neocortex

From the primitive brainstem, where emotional centers first emerged, evolution eventually developed the thinking brain known as the neocortex. This is the part of the brain responsible for higher cognitive functions such as language, problem-solving, and planning. It plays a significant role in our ability to regulate emotions, allowing us to override the amygdala and think rationally, even in stressful situations. Additionally, the neocortex is connected to self-awareness and the ability to understand others’ emotions (empathy).

The neocortex helps us manage our thoughts with logic and creativity, as well as process information consciously. When we have a thought, there is a chain of command: emotional processing often occurs before rational response. In other words, we experience an emotional reaction to a thought before we process it rationally. Developing awareness of the neocortex and its potential to rationalize thoughts and emotions is essential for mastering emotional intelligence.

Conclusion on Neurology and Emotional Intelligence

The brain is a highly complex structure, one we may never fully understand. However, recognizing that neurological processes influence our behavior can help us become aware of them. This awareness allows us to understand our emotions and how they impact our behavior, enabling us to regulate and change our responses. With this foundational knowledge of the brain and how we can influence it to some extent, we can categorize emotional intelligence into four areas. These categories can help us better understand ourselves, others, and the world around us.

Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is about becoming conscious of what we feel and how we experience emotions. We feel emotions in different ways, at varying intensities, and for different durations. Sometimes we might experience intense anger for a brief moment, while at other times, we may carry a sense of unease for an extended period.

We can start by reflecting on the general situations we find ourselves in and how they influence us. For example, when heading to work: do we have a positive or negative gut feeling about it? What emotions do we experience daily, and how do they impact us? We can become more self-aware by paying attention to our habitual thoughts and perceptions about daily interactions and examining how our approach to situations affects us.

Writing Exercises

To gain awareness of what emotions you’re feeling, it’s helpful to write down your observations and reflect on how they make you feel. When doing an exercise like this, focused on gaining insight into yourself and your emotions, be honest about what you’re feeling. Writing down everything—from neutral emotions to extreme ones—can help us examine what we feel and how we experience our emotions.

Grab a piece of paper and jot down your observations. The more detailed your recollection of the day, the better. Next, note how these observations made you feel and how you experienced those emotions. These observations could range from a cashier saying, “Have a good day,” to witnessing an event requiring you to call 911. Write down what emotions you felt and how you experienced them. Was there something pleasant or unpleasant about these observations? Were there mixed feelings, some pleasant and others unpleasant?

Documenting what we experience and how we experience it can help us identify how emotions influence us. For example, you might generally enjoy attending events but find certain ones unappealing, which triggers specific emotions. Pinpointing the differences between one episode and another enhances self-awareness, allowing us to understand what we feel and how we experience those emotions.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness helps us achieve a mental state that focuses on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting our feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. It involves recognizing the emotions that arise within us and letting them pass. Emotions have an expiration date, but they only “expire” when we accept and acknowledge them. Processing emotions with acceptance instead of neglecting or suppressing them helps us better understand and experience our emotions.

Through mindfulness practices such as meditation or visualization, we can deepen our understanding of our emotions and how they affect us. Mindfulness exercises can be quite intense as they challenge our mental comfort zone—our habitual thinking and perceptions. However, being open to these challenges allows us to gain valuable self-knowledge and insight into our emotions.

Conclusion on Self-Awareness

If we want to become more self-aware of our emotions and how we experience them, we need to be open to examining them. This doesn’t mean acting on or justifying them, but questioning what we feel and how those emotions impact us. Developing emotional awareness requires confronting uncomfortable situations and being present with them. Instead of fleeing from discomfort, acknowledge its presence and accept it.

This approach applies equally to positive emotions. By questioning why we feel good and identifying what makes those feelings pleasant, we can learn just as much as when we experience discomfort. Unpleasant situations can sometimes lead to positive emotions—for example, completing a challenging run or overcoming an obstacle. Similarly, in pleasant situations, we can simply let them remain enjoyable and explore why they are so without acting on or justifying them. This process can teach us just as much as navigating through discomfort.

Self-Regulation (Self-Management)

Self-regulation is about managing our emotions in ways that are healthy and constructive for our well-being. This involves processing emotions properly, understanding how and why we process them the way we do, and acting in ways that lead to positive outcomes for ourselves.

Being aware of our emotions is one thing, but managing them is another. For example, recognizing that we’re angry and understanding why we feel that way makes it easier to handle the anger. However, simply being aware of the reason for our anger doesn’t necessarily tell us how to regulate it. We need tools to process and act on our emotions effectively. Since different problems require different solutions, we may need a variety of tools to manage our emotions. Here are a few approaches to self-regulation:

Critical Thinking

Instead of shutting down discussions, try being open to them. Critical thinking challenges our habitual ways of thinking and allows us to explore new perspectives and possibilities for action. If you’re dealing with persistent thoughts that evoke strong emotions, try discussing them with yourself and looking at them from different angles. Working through these thoughts and the emotions they create by considering multiple viewpoints helps us better understand why a particular thought feels so significant and how to process it.

Sometimes, habitual thinking can interfere with our ability to think rationally. For example, we may have a narrow understanding or vision of a situation, which can make it difficult to regulate our emotions. By not exploring alternative, potentially beneficial ways of thinking, we may remain stuck in unproductive patterns. Critical thinking serves as an antidote to this, helping us regulate our emotions by fostering rational thinking.

If you find yourself repeatedly frustrated by the same issues or experiencing outbursts of negative emotions, applying critical thinking can help. It allows you to develop new mindsets or approaches to how you think and interpret information. Critical thinking anchors us back to rational thought, providing clarity when we’re overwhelmed by emotions.

Breathing Exercises

Oxygen is one of the most important components when it comes to regulating emotions. Our bodies need air to function, and a sufficient supply of oxygen is essential for maintaining biological, physiological, neurological, and hormonal balance. Neglecting deep breathing can negatively affect our bodies and emotions.

Make it a habit to take deep breaths into your lungs. Breathing exercises come in many forms, but having one or more techniques, systems, or routines can give you a reliable way to regulate your emotions.

For instance, you can create a routine where you inhale, hold your breath, and exhale over a specific number of seconds. Another approach might involve sitting in a place where you can observe your surroundings while focusing on your breathing. For example, you could sit on a park bench, watch the activity around you, and simultaneously practice deep breathing. You could even set a timer to remind yourself when to breathe deeply.

Proactivity

Proactivity is about taking responsibility for initiating change and being the driving force behind achieving desired outcomes. This practice is most effective when we focus on doing one thing at a time. For example, if you are eating breakfast, focus solely on that task. Don’t pick up your phone, watch TV, or distract yourself with other activities. Instead, focus entirely on eating—taking a bite, chewing, and swallowing. The more attention we pay to details, the better we can engage with what we’re doing.

Proactivity is a constructive way to break a process into steps, making our goals more manageable. If we’re overwhelmed by emotions, proactivity helps us address one problem at a time. It reminds us that we are responsible for overcoming the emotions we feel and encourages us to take deliberate steps to address the issues at hand.

Conclusion on Self-Regulation

Being open and honest with ourselves allows us to thrive far better than shutting down thoughts and emotions that affect us. Emotional regulation requires us to accept and acknowledge our feelings, no matter how difficult that might be. Many people remain stuck in the same problems because they struggle to let go of the root causes. Emotional regulation becomes challenging if we rely on recurring excuses or past events to justify our lack of well-being.

Self-regulation can take many forms and vary depending on the situation and the problems we face. When we understand that we have the ability to regulate our emotional lives, we can consider additional strategies to help us manage our emotions.

Sometimes emotions are processed in unhealthy ways that can negatively impact others. For instance, if we’re angry at our boss, it’s not constructive to take that anger out on friends or family. Instead, we need to address the issue directly and appropriately with our boss.

By adopting a proactive mindset and focusing on healthy emotional regulation strategies, we can build the tools to manage our emotional well-being and create positive, sustainable outcomes.

Social Awareness

Social awareness refers to our ability to understand other people by considering their perspectives, backgrounds, cultures, differences, and similarities to ourselves. By developing an understanding of others, we can engage more easily in conversations, such as by recognizing the language they use and how they perceive the world. Developing social awareness often involves tapping into our empathetic side.

Empathy is about understanding other people’s emotions. It involves putting ourselves in their shoes to imagine how they feel in their daily lives, the challenges they face, and the struggles they encounter. This empathetic understanding grows when we actively seek out different perspectives, helping us better grasp how others express themselves and fostering deeper emotional insight.

Empathy not only helps us understand others’ feelings but also their thoughts. It allows us to see how they make sense of the world, find moral reasoning, interpret emotions, and link them to certain experiences. Instead of placing their thinking into our framework, we create a separate “box” for them, helping us appreciate their unique thought processes. This enhances our ability to connect and communicate with them effectively.

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Active Listening

Empathy is developed through practices like active listening. This means paying close attention to what someone says and why they’re saying it, including their emotional tone. Do they sound happy, sad, scared, or something else? Active listening requires focus and presence. When we lose focus or become overly emotionally invested, we fail to truly hear the other person. Active listening involves stepping out of the conversation mentally and focusing entirely on what the other person is saying.

Practice Active Listening:

• Listen to a short clip (1-2 minutes) on a platform like YouTube, then write down what the clip was about.
• Practice with a friend or family member by asking how they’re doing. Pay close attention, ask follow-up questions, and clarify anything you don’t understand.

Social Activities

Social awareness is not only about understanding individuals but also groups. A group consists of multiple individuals who may behave differently within a group context. By participating in group activities, such as volunteering, pursuing hobbies, or trying new sports, we can learn a lot about others and about group dynamics.

Engage in a Social Activity:
Choose an activity that interests you, like martial arts, an acting class, or a book club. Talk to the people involved and cultivate curiosity about why they’re participating. This may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you struggle with large gatherings or unfamiliar settings. Use proactive strategies, like reminding yourself why you joined the activity, to stay focused and motivated.

Conclusion on Social Awareness

We can learn a great deal from our surroundings and draw inspiration from them, but we need to be present to fully benefit. Social awareness enhances our understanding of what shapes individuals and groups. For instance, we might enjoy spending time with a friend one-on-one but notice a shift in dynamics when we’re in a group setting. Understanding these dynamics can teach us how we prefer to socialize and which types of groups or friendships suit us best.

If group settings feel challenging, it can help to understand the principles behind socially acceptable behavior. For example, why don’t we yell at someone who yells at us, even if we feel like it? One reason is that it’s an unproductive communication method, especially if we aim for a meaningful conversation. Situations like these often require careful emotional regulation for our own well-being and to maintain harmony.

Factors Influencing Social Awareness and Behavior:

• Ethics: What is considered right and wrong behavior.
• Norms and Values: Social rules and guiding principles that shape group behavior.
• Morals and Principles: How we act in a group and why.
• Ego: Understanding who we are as individuals within a group and why we behave the way we do.

When communicating with others, it’s essential to understand the context of the interaction. We don’t communicate in the same way at a business meeting, which requires teamwork, as we do when expressing emotions to a partner or friend. Social awareness helps us navigate these situations, develop assumptions, and interact in ways that foster clear communication.

The primary reason to develop social awareness is personal connection. Social awareness helps us express our thoughts and feelings to others and understand their expressions in return. As social beings, we need interpersonal contact to some degree. If we face challenges in relationships or struggle with others’ behavior, it’s vital to express ourselves clearly and allow others to do the same. This mutual understanding is the foundation for meaningful and healthy social interactions.

Relationship Management

Relationship management involves understanding interpersonal relationships and distinguishing between our own experiences and those of others. We operate in three experiential spaces: the external world, other people, and ourselves. Humans are highly impressionable and can be easily influenced to adopt others’ perspectives, even without fully agreeing with them. For example, in a group of four analyzing a task or case, if one person reaches a conclusion that differs from the others, they might feel pressured to conform to the group’s consensus rather than sticking to their original analysis.

While social awareness focuses on understanding others and empathizing with them, relationship management is about maintaining clarity between one’s own and others’ feelings and experiences. We can acknowledge and be inspired by others’ perspectives, but we must also hold onto our own and express them without feeling compelled to conform to the majority or feeling uncomfortable because someone else thinks differently.

Discuss

Discussions are not about being right but about gaining insight. They provide opportunities to examine our views in relation to others’ perspectives and learn from them.

When engaging in discussions, it’s crucial to create a safe environment where everyone feels free to express themselves without fear of judgment. Additionally, it’s important to back up your viewpoints with evidence, such as sources, data, or professional opinions, to support your arguments.

A discussion begins with introducing a topic, posing a question, and exploring it from various perspectives. Through open dialogue, participants can learn from one another and refine their own opinions by drawing inspiration from different viewpoints.

In the context of relationship management, discussions strengthen our ability to separate emotional responses to ourselves and others. Questions to consider include:

• Can I handle conflict without compromising my values?
• Can I calm myself when discussions become heated?
• Am I listening and communicating effectively?

Discussions should stay focused on the topic at hand. When emotions run high, it’s easy to veer off course, but relationship management involves calming these impulses and maintaining clarity. By staying focused on the subject, we avoid losing control over our emotions and can address the issue constructively.

Affirmations

Humans are highly susceptible to influence, whether through actions, language, events, or observations. When faced with various situations, we might find ourselves agreeing with others or abandoning our beliefs because we don’t feel confident enough to stand by them. Building relationship management skills involves strengthening our self-esteem, which in turn helps us hold our ground in interpersonal dynamics.

Affirmations are positive reminders or statements that we repeat to ourselves to reinforce self-worth and confidence. By regularly engaging in this practice, we cultivate a deeper understanding of our self-perception and improve our ability to thrive both individually and socially.

Here are examples of affirmations:

Simple affirmations:

• I accept and love myself as I am.
• I have the power to change my thoughts and create a positive life.
• I choose to focus on what is within my control.
• I am valuable, and my thoughts matter.

Constructive affirmations:

• I can be wrong, but that doesn’t make me foolish.
• I acknowledge my mistakes, but that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.
• People have hurt me, but I don’t believe they meant to.

You can create your own affirmations—whether short and direct (e.g., “I am present” or “I am enough”) or more detailed phrases. Writing them down and repeating them daily or as often as possible can significantly boost self-esteem, which in turn enhances your relationship management skills.

Conclusion on Relationship Management

The ability to differentiate between your own and others’ experiences is essential for well-being. While understanding others’ perspectives is a valuable skill, expressing and standing by your own thoughts and feelings is equally important.

Relationship management helps us recognize that it’s okay to think, feel, and express ourselves as we do, just as it’s okay for others to do the same. We can learn from and be inspired by others’ experiences, but it’s crucial to interpret this learning on our own terms. We should never feel pressured to adopt others’ views but should instead approach understanding with genuine curiosity. If we question something and don’t find satisfying answers or remain in disagreement, that’s perfectly fine.

Strengthening relationship management starts with building self-esteem. We must be comfortable in our own skin and willing to express our thoughts and feelings to others. Healthy relationships with friends and family require an effort to understand their perspectives and opinions, which strengthens our connections and fosters mutual respect.

Conclusion on Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence plays a more significant role in our well-being than we often realize. Being in tune with our emotions enables us to connect them with our thoughts and interactions with the world. We carry impulses, habits, thoughts, and tendencies that influence how we feel. By becoming aware of these patterns, we gain insights into ourselves and our emotions—this is the essence of emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence also gives us the power to change our patterns. Our brains are not hardwired, which means we can adapt and grow, although some changes may come more easily than others. By challenging habitual thought patterns through constructive questioning, we can unlock new horizons and discover nuanced answers to deeper or broader questions.

Emotional intelligence has a physiological impact as well. Emotions trigger the release of hormones and biological processes that influence our state of well-being. Through awareness, perception, and perspective, we can strengthen our emotional intelligence by exploring what we feel, how we feel it, and why. This process doesn’t just transform our mental state; it also positively impacts our physical state. Practices such as mindful breathing, yoga, or other activities that connect mind and body can help release negative tension, bringing calm to both body and mind.

Emotional Intelligence Creates Awareness

Awareness is at the core of understanding what, how, and why we feel and how we can regulate our emotions to support our well-being. Awareness becomes actionable when we can observe our emotions without immediately acting on them. This allows us to understand our emotions in the moment and respond to them in ways aligned with our intentions.

Through awareness, we can examine our feelings and regulate our behavior accordingly. For example, if we feel angry, awareness allows us to recognize the emotion and choose a response that reflects how we truly wish to act, rather than reacting impulsively.

Emotional Intelligence Creates Well-Being

With emotional intelligence, we gain a deeper understanding of how we perceive emotions and internalize them—integrating attitudes or behaviors into our nature through learning or unconscious assimilation. Recognizing which emotions we experience and how we create them allows us to build a strong foundation for well-being.

By understanding how to regulate our emotions, we gain the freedom to choose how we act—or whether to act at all—based on what we feel. This process helps us explore how our actions affect us, forming the basis for creating well-being. It’s a trial-and-error journey that helps us learn which actions we want to repeat and which we don’t.

Perception is Key

Throughout our lives, we encounter experiences that we perceive in various ways. Perception follows a pathway through which we process our experiences:

1. Receiving a Thought or Signal (Input): Perception begins with receiving input, which can stem from diverse explanations. Some interpret this as spiritual energy, others rely on scientific reasoning, and some connect it to religious beliefs.
2. Processing the Input: The received thought is processed through filters such as memory, knowledge, and perception. We then assess how much attention to give to the input and conceptualize it (form ideas or categorize objects, events, and concepts).
3. Producing an Output: Once the signal is processed, we generate an output that provides us with the information needed to make decisions.

This process occurs constantly, whether we’re aware of it or not. While it works similarly for everyone, how we handle it varies greatly due to individual perceptions of ourselves, others, and the world. Understanding how we perceive different types of information is crucial for mental health and well-being. Practices like gratitude exercises or mindfulness can foster positive emotions and improve our mental state.

It’s Human to fail

As outlined in the section on “Neurology and Emotional Intelligence,” humans are inherently fallible. Mistakes are part of life, and perfection is unattainable. Instead of berating ourselves for errors, we should accept them as natural occurrences. While we can strive for improvement, it’s unrealistic to expect complete flawlessness in any process involving human behavior.

Better Decision-Making

Enhanced rational thinking leads to better decision-making. Knowing what’s beneficial for us, rather than acting solely on feelings, can optimize our quality of life. For example:

• We might not feel like exercising, but we know it’s good for us and leaves us feeling better afterward.
• Firing an employee might feel uncomfortable, but it could ultimately benefit the company.

Emotional intelligence helps clarify the reasoning behind our actions, allowing us to understand why we do what we do. With the help of the neocortex, we can identify the rational justifications for our decisions and assess their positive or negative impacts.

Thoughts Create Emotions

Thoughts, whether conscious or unconscious, are always tied to emotions. Asking ourselves, “Why am I angry?” often leads to identifying the thought behind it. For example, “I got angry because you said something that made me feel small,” and feeling small can trigger anger.

Thoughts are complex and influence us in varying ways. Sometimes the reasons behind our emotions are clear, while at other times, they surprise us. Thoughts are always accompanied by emotions, but we may not always be aware of them.

Emotional intelligence enables us to become conscious of our thoughts, investigate and regulate them, and apply this understanding to better comprehend others and the world around us.

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