How to manage Ego

The ego (the “I” or self in our self-perception) must find its balance. The function of the ego is to recognize and achieve self-acceptance by developing a strong sense of self-worth (belief in one’s own value or abilities) without neglecting oneself or others. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself; that is how you should feel about yourself. The problem with the ego arises when we begin to develop an ego that creates unhealthy tendencies.

The Unhealthy Ego

An unhealthy ego sees itself as either superior (with an excessively high perception of oneself; conceited) or inferior (with an excessively low perception of oneself; humble) in relation to others and itself. It acts based on negative emotions and egocentric considerations, viewing itself as greater or lesser than others.

It is not beneficial to feel superior by believing oneself to be more entitled than others, always needing to be right, feeling the need to belittle others, being unable to be happy for others, or craving recognition for achievements. Feeling superior can lead to a superiority complex (an attitude of superiority that masks actual feelings of inferiority and failure), where the ego diminishes us by measuring us against others.

Feeling inferior is also not good when one suppresses emotions and needs, diminishes oneself, feels less entitled than others, commits injustices, or submits to others. When we do these things to ourselves, we develop inferiority complexes (an unrealistic feeling of general inadequacy caused by actual or perceived inferiority in some area, sometimes marked by aggressive behavior as compensation), where we undervalue our abilities while handing over control of our lives to others.

The reasons we feel either superior or inferior stem from a sense of low self-worth (lack of confidence in who we are and what we can do), which manifests as either superiority or inferiority. When we establish a healthy ego, we do not focus on feeling superior or inferior; we focus on something else.

Establishing a Healthy Ego

A healthy ego is one that does not see the individual (yourself) as either superior or inferior; it focuses on morality (behavioral norms; principles of right and wrong) and principles (a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a belief system, behavior, or reasoning). When we establish morality and principles, we emphasize developing integrity (the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles) towards ourselves and others.

To define what creates a healthy ego briefly, it is a strong set of morals and principles. That being said, we must also be aware that our principles and morality do not result in moral complexities (where morals and principles contradict each other). We can uncover them through our awareness (consciousness of our thoughts and the moment we have them).

Ego and Awareness

The ego moves between our consciousness and subconsciousness (the part of the mind that one is not fully aware of but which influences actions and feelings). We can take conscious actions based on an unhealthy ego, which we may believe to be healthy, and vice versa. We become aware of our ego’s tendencies by reflecting on our thoughts.

Our emotions and actions stem from our thoughts, and when we talk about the ego, we must be mindful and learn when we make decisions and take actions based on the ego. By reflecting on our thoughts, actions, and emotions, we become conscious of the subconscious, and when we do so, we must pay attention to whether our tendencies are egocentric or justified.

Regardless of whether we have healthy or unhealthy tendencies stemming from our ego, we must remain open-minded (willing to consider new ideas). We may tend to believe that our moral and principled perceptions are the only correct ones, but they are situational. We must be aware that our moral and principled perceptions vary from situation to situation.

It is important to become aware of how we interact with a given situation and to have situational awareness so that we do not act irresponsibly or unreasonably. By raising our awareness, we can reflect on ourselves and see our unconscious tendencies that stem from our ego. We can begin to recognize our healthy and unhealthy tendencies based on whether we feel superior or inferior and whether the morals and principles we hold or follow align with each other.

Gratitude

If you hold onto frustrations about something you cannot see a positive angle on, practicing gratitude will help. Take a difficult or negative situation and try to find a positive perspective. Write it down on a piece of paper and answer these points:

• Three things I am grateful for
• One thing I can be proud of
• A person or group I am grateful for
• The best part of today
• One reason to be excited right now
• An act of kindness I have received
• A valuable lesson I have learned or am learning
• How can I show my gratitude?

Appreciation (recognizing the full value of someone or something) can have a significant impact on our mindset. If we are filled with negative thoughts and emotions, we can challenge our negativity with positivity to create a counter-perspective that encourages critical thinking and helps us develop higher awareness.

It is important to point out that you are responsible for your own happiness, which is what a developed, healthy ego does. When we realize this, we usually also understand that we have the ability to change our thoughts and emotions from negative to positive. Unhealthy ego tendencies arise from negativity. A healthy ego arises from positivity or neutrality. If we can introduce more positivity into our minds, our minds become more capable of creating a healthy ego.

Practice Empathy

Empathy (the ability to understand and share the feelings of others) can teach our unhealthy ego to become healthy by recognizing the needs and successes of others. We may feel frustrated or discouraged when witnessing others’ success, which can lead to negative emotions. With a developed sense of empathy, we only see the good in others and their happiness without bringing ourselves into the equation. You can practice empathy in many ways, but in the pursuit of a healthy ego, two highly effective methods stand out.

Purpose

You can define a purpose (a person’s overarching goal driven by determination) that benefits others beyond yourself. People often confuse purpose with goals. A goal supports the purpose. For example, if our purpose is to help others understand diagnoses, a goal could be to learn more about diagnoses or find a job that supports this purpose.

A purpose is something you contribute to others throughout your life. Examples of purposes include:

• I want to help people with mental illness.
• I want to create a caring and loving environment.
• I want to improve policies for the better.

When you find a purpose that impacts others beyond yourself, your ego develops healthy tendencies and perspectives on how your actions affect you in a positive way. A purpose can also be a path to discovering our moral and principled values. When our purpose aligns with our moral and principled values, we cultivate a strong sense of well-being (a state of feeling comfortable physically and mentally).

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Reframing

Reframing is a technique that raises awareness and prompts us to reflect on how we can find alternative perspectives beyond the ones we already hold. This technique can be used to change our perspective and increase awareness of how we can view everything—from situations involving ourselves to narratives we have heard.

1. Make a list of your friends’, family’s, colleagues’, and social acquaintances’ successes that evoke feelings of superiority or inferiority.
2. Once you’ve identified an example (if you have multiple, start with one), understand the process behind their success.
3. Brainstorm the key factors they faced: their emotional process, level of responsibility, the resistance they encountered, how their personal life was affected, etc.
4. After writing down what you believe they went through, understand their journey and recognize the challenges they faced.
5. Cast a positive light on their success and choose to support them through positive emotions such as love and care. OR, if you feel their success raises moral complexities for you, figure out why and consider how you would have handled it without judging the outcome. Accept the outcome if you do not intend to act on it.

Practice Responsibility

Accountability helps our ego process frustrations and resentment in a healthy way by taking responsibility for our morals and principles.

A healthy ego does not worry about feeling inferior or superior. It focuses on doing the right thing, and if we can take responsibility for our decisions, we develop a healthy ego.

An unhealthy ego tends to blame or victimize itself, which always leads to negative outcomes. We either blame others or ourselves, or we feel sorry for ourselves.

Negativity breeds more negativity—if we continue to blame others or play the victim, our ego becomes increasingly unhealthy, making accountability more difficult and prolonging emotional pain.

1. Make a list of things you struggle to take responsibility for.
2. Choose one issue (if you have multiple, start with one at a time). Determine whether the root of the issue stems from a feeling of superiority, inferiority, or moral complexities.
3. Once you have identified the reason(s) why it is a problem, accept the outcome and consider what you can do about it moving forward. Act on what you can, even if it feels overwhelming, and take responsibility for your actions to resolve the conflict.

Blame and victimhood are unhealthy reactions, whereas accountability is a powerful cure. It enables us to recognize our own influence in a situation, conflict, or problem and understand how our actions can lead to a resolution.

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Detach from Personality

Developing a personality (the combination of traits and qualities that form a person’s distinctive character) is essential for understanding how we interact with the world and what we identify with and as. The key thing to understand about these classifications is: We are what we believe we are.

We have the power to become whoever we want to be. It is often assumed that we are defined by family, society, culture, religion, work, childhood, and other external factors. While these have a significant influence, only our interpretation of them truly matters. If there is something about ourselves we do not like, we can always change it.

However, if we detach from our personality—what we believe defines us—we can free ourselves from beliefs that create resistance to becoming whoever we want to be. To strip away our personality, we must raise awareness of our:

• Values
• Attitudes
• Prejudices
• Ideals (a person or thing regarded as perfect)
• Beliefs
• Expectations
• Rules (what you have been told to do and not do)
• Morals
• Principles

Once you have raised your awareness of these aspects, let go of what you do not want as part of your life by adopting beneficial perspectives. This process can be easy if we embrace the idea that we are what we believe we are. Question why we are what we think we are and why we cannot be something else—and do the same with our counterarguments.

Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness (the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven) is a powerful skill. Being able to let go of situations that affect you is essential. Whether you have hurt others or been hurt yourself, forgiveness is a skill. It can help you process mental wounds by taking responsibility, finding self-acceptance, and acknowledging mistakes made by yourself and others.

When it comes to the ego, we need to be cautious. We must be mindful not to accumulate thoughts that can lead to a snowball effect (how small actions can cause increasingly larger actions, ultimately resulting in a significant impact). If we focus too much on an unforgiving situation, we may develop ruminating thoughts (repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative emotions, concerns, and their causes and consequences). Without conscious reflection, this can lead to vindictive thoughts (having or showing a strong or unjustified desire for revenge), which stem from feelings of injustice and exploitation. These emotions are created by unconscious reasoning and can only lead to harm—both for others and, most importantly, yourself.

Letting Go

Letting go does not mean avoiding the problem, but rather addressing it. When we let go of a problem (or multiple problems), we acknowledge that there is something we need to release from our system. One way to let go is:

1. Start by accepting the given outcome of the problem and acknowledging that this is how it is.
2. Then ask yourself how you want the problem to be handled and how much you want it to affect you. Questions to ask yourself: Do I really want this to dominate my life? What good does it do to keep thinking about it?
3. Find answers to your questions by aligning them with your moral and principled values.
4. Find contentment (a state of physical and mental peace) in your answers.

An important thing to remember about letting go is that this is a choice—a solution you can make here and now. You do not have to fight every battle. Our unhealthy ego tends to return to unresolved problems, creating a desire to hurt, harm, or seek revenge for something the ego started. This does not always align with the moral and principled values we set for ourselves. Stay committed to your decision to move on, and counter any new reasons your mind finds to reopen the issue.

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Practice Proactivity

Proactivity (creating or controlling a situation rather than merely reacting to it after it happens) can help us be more present and regulate our ego. It allows us to become aware of our thinking patterns, triggers, and habits that do not serve us or negatively impact us. You can develop proactivity through:

Listening

Listen to a clip—it could be a podcast, YouTube video, TV show, or any source of conversation. Observe tone and phrasing: How is something being said? What is the topic? How does the speaker discuss it? Listen actively (beyond hearing words, try to understand the context and situation). Summarize in your own words—either by writing it down or saying it out loud. Start with 30 seconds of listening and gradually increase your endurance.

Observing

Watch a clip (such as a YouTube video or a scene from a movie), but mute the sound and observe the expressions of the person or people in it. Take a scene from a film and describe what happened after it ends. The more we practice proactivity, the better we become at sensing and recognizing how to act with moral and principled awareness in different situations. The more details you notice, the better you will become at acting proactively.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness (a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations) helps us become aware of our emotions, thoughts, and mental state in the present moment. It can assist us in discovering our morals and principles by keeping us connected to the present and what we resonate with.

Before diving into mindfulness exercises, it is important to establish three fundamental requirements:

1. Openness – Accept that your thoughts exist, but you do not need to act on them.
2. Awareness of your breath – Focus entirely on your breathing during the exercises.
3. Patience – Take your time to ease into mindfulness practices.

These three elements are essential to fully understand and experience the benefits of mindfulness.

Meditation

Take 5-10 minutes daily to do nothing but breathe. Do not look at your phone, email, or TV—simply be present. Sit upright, lean against something, or lie down in a quiet, distraction-free area. Focus on your breath and your mental state at that moment. Inhale deeply into your lungs, notice how far down your breath reaches, and exhale when you are ready.

Meditation slows down thoughts and increases awareness of their origin, allowing us to calm them without acting on them. It enhances emotional intelligence (the ability to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions) by slowing down our thinking process. Breath control prevents overreaction and promotes mental stability by accepting thoughts without immediate action. An unhealthy ego lacks emotional intelligence, but meditation can help develop it, so we respond with consideration and awareness rather than from negative emotions.

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Conscious Conversations

This exercise can be intense, so only engage in it if you are certain you can handle constructive criticism. How do you know when you are ready for constructive criticism? When you remain calm and attentive while receiving feedback. This is not an attack but a foundation for growth.

Speak with a trusted friend, colleague, group, or professional about the struggles you have with your ego. Inform them of your reasons for wanting to improve. Ensure the conversation takes place in a safe space, and approach it with the intention to learn about yourself. If/when you become frustrated or upset, breathe deeply and center yourself. Remember that the goal is to develop a healthy ego, and continue when you feel ready.

You can open the conversation with questions about your ego, such as:

• Do you see situations where I am selfish?
• Do you notice selfish tendencies that harm me or others?
• Do you see values that prevent me from thinking beyond myself?
• Do I have tendencies to suppress myself or others?
• Do I strive for selfish reasons?

The person you speak with does not need to have all the answers. By raising awareness, this will help you find solutions. A conscious conversation can be eye-opening and rooted in truth. People have different perspectives on us, which can reveal things we have become blind to. Listen to what they say—try their suggestions and see if they resonate with you.

Practice a Higher Self Approach

Your higher self is the part of you that is not burdened by ego and its divisions between you and others. It is a mindset that we must align with for our ego to become healthy.

Make a list of your thought patterns, thoughts, and emotions, and categorize them into columns based on whether they are ego-driven tendencies or aligned with your higher self. In this case, an unhealthy ego corresponds to “ego,” while a healthy ego aligns with “higher self.”

Your higher self can help you correctly handle an internal or external problem without inflating or devaluing yourself. It can find a healthy resolution to issues and help purify an unhealthy ego.

The Process of a Healthy Ego

This is a lifelong process. A healthy ego can be implemented into our mindset, but there will be situations or periods in life that require adjustments. If we are conscious of our moral and principled values, we can adapt more easily to things that may disturb us by using them as a foundation. It can be beneficial to engage with one of these exercises twice a week and to raise awareness daily.

Develop Empathy

Empathy helps us cultivate a healthy ego by increasing our awareness of understanding others’ reactions, which our ego may resonate with. Empathy is especially useful in social situations, helping us understand when and how to engage in conversations with others.

Remain Humble

Staying humble can be challenging for an unhealthy ego. It is highly beneficial to neutralize and understand how the ego works without letting it take a dominant role. Humility allows us to appreciate others and their achievements, putting our healthy ego into perspective. To practice humility, try doing something difficult or challenging, but commit to doing it anyway. Take up a new hobby that challenges your understanding and mindset.

Stay Open-Minded

Remaining open-minded creates opportunities to break free from habits. Being open to new ideas allows us to try new things and overcome patterns and paradigms that may be harmful. This often requires stepping out of our comfort zone or challenging our usual way of thinking. By engaging in mental exercises, we can make openness a natural part of our approach.

Think Critically

We can become trapped in repetitive thought patterns, generating ruminating thoughts without solid evidence for why we act the way we do. Critical thinking builds a bridge between what we think and what is actually happening. This helps us assess whether our thoughts are valid or merely self-imposed narratives.

Don’t Take Things Personally

An unhealthy ego is driven by emotion. Taking things personally arises from feeling either superior or inferior. When we perceive ourselves as above or below others—or when we experience low self-worth—it becomes a personal matter. Feeling attacked may trigger defensive behavior, which is sometimes necessary, but if we set the intention not to take things personally, we can learn from situations rather than feeling threatened by them. If others attempt to bring out the worst in you, it is not about you—it is a projection of their own low self-esteem.

Acknowledge Others

Show appreciation to the people in your life, especially those you may take for granted. Tell them what, why, and how you value them. This is a gratitude practice that helps shift focus from ingratitude to appreciation. The exercise is not about receiving validation—it is about developing a positive mindset and strengthening our moral and principled values, which can manifest in ourselves and the world around us.

Have Good Intentions

Having good intentions toward people, new experiences, and yourself fosters a healthy ego by creating positive reactions and expectations—something an unhealthy ego does not benefit from. Having good intentions for yourself reinforces positive growth and strengthens self-worth.

Be Present

Being present means being conscious of the moment. In the present, observe your physical surroundings, environment, colors, shapes, and mental state. Focus on what is happening now and how it feels. If it feels good, enjoy it. If it is uncomfortable, stay with it and allow it to pass—because, at some point, it will pass.

Be Aware of Your Decision-Making

Decision-making happens constantly, both consciously and unconsciously. We make decisions based on our needs, desires, values, and knowledge. This includes verbal and non-verbal actions. Some decisions are carefully considered, while others are unconscious, which can lead to negative thoughts and emotions that manifest in our behavior and impact others. Make decisions with good intentions and be aware of the reasons behind your actions.

Recognize Your Worth

We must know when to stand up for ourselves. While we can let go of many things, if suppression or frustration arises, we need to confront our discomfort, resolve conflicts, and address situations in order to find inner peace. Doing so teaches others to understand our feelings and develop a deeper understanding of our core self.

Listen to Your Moral Compass

Listening to our moral compass (the ability to judge right from wrong and act accordingly) allows us to discover moral and principled values that resonate with us. When we listen to our moral compass, intuition (the ability to understand something instinctively without conscious reasoning) guides our thoughts in various situations without the need for logical reasoning.

Practice Integrity

Integrity (the ability and willingness to act honestly and fairly) provides a solid foundation for how we wish to represent ourselves.

• Take responsibility for your moral and principled values.
• Hold yourself accountable for your positive and negative actions.

Examples of Moral Values:

• Respect
• Compassion
• Kindness
• Gratitude

Examples of Principles:

• Take care of yourself before helping others.
• Celebrate the success of others.
• Offer constructive criticism with good intentions.

If you are uncertain about your moral and principled values, adjust, remove, or redefine them. If you feel aligned with them, embrace them. You can create a list defining what a healthy and unhealthy ego looks like for you.

Establish Well-Being

Establishing well-being (a state of physical and mental comfort) provides a strong foundation for a healthy ego to develop. Well-being helps us discover what brings meaning and happiness to our lives. Life can be divided into six key sectors, each contributing to balance:

Define your purpose in each sector. Consider how you want these aspects to impact your life. Once you clarify this, align your purpose with your moral and principled values to determine how you want to act in each area. Over time, you may need to adapt and refine your values and purpose as you find more beneficial ways to live.

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Implementing a Healthy Ego

Becoming self-aware enhances our ability to shift into healthier patterns across various areas of life. Developing a healthy ego brings many benefits:

Healthy Problem-Solving and Solutions

A healthy ego helps us handle problems constructively. It seeks solutions by recognizing that “I” have a problem and accepting “I” have the responsibility to solve it. This approach strengthens our moral compass and enhances our ability to listen to ourselves.

Inner Peace

With increased awareness and understanding of how the ego functions, we learn to navigate ego-driven conflicts quickly and effectively. We become more conscious of the ego’s role in different situations, which fosters inner peace.

Independence

A healthy ego takes responsibility instead of blaming others. It allows us to move forward, confront conflicts and obstacles, and recognize the value of the efforts we make to create a fulfilling life.

Integrity

Through moral and principled values, we build a solid foundation that fosters integrity and high self-worth. This foundation empowers us to step outside our comfort zone and pursue growth in areas where we wish to improve ourselves.

Empathy

A healthy ego connects our emotions with those of others, helping us understand how our actions affect them. With a healthy ego, we take responsibility for ourselves and cultivate a positive attitude toward ourselves and others, reflected in decisions such as:

I want to feel good.
I want others to feel good.
I want to contribute to the world.
I want to help others.
I want to learn.
I want to be the best version of myself.

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