Forgiveness (the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven) is a skill we can develop to let go of negative thoughts and emotions. Forgiving requires us to take conscious actions and address our pain with responsibility (a moral or principled obligation to be accountable, ensure, or provide for something or someone). When we take responsibility for forgiving either ourselves or others, we manage our unhealthy tendencies in a healthy way by making conscious choices and creating a new outcome that benefits our well-being.
To forgive means to accept and acknowledge our issue(s) and address them so we can fully let go without allowing them to affect us. An issue can impact us on different levels and be handled in different ways. Some problems only scratch the surface, making them easy to brush off and move on from. However, if they affect us daily or resurface from time to time, we need to dive deeper into how forgiveness can be the solution for better well-being. We find peace with what has hurt us in order to forgive or be forgiven.
Forgiveness and Awareness
Forgiveness is a conscious process we go through to release negative thoughts and feelings we hold toward a person, partner, group, or ourselves. It can be emotionally overwhelming and raise moral complexities (moral values that conflict with each other or our actions). We are guided by our own moral values (standards of behavior) and principles (fundamental beliefs that serve as the foundation for a system of thought or behavior), which may cause us to blame ourselves or others. Awareness helps us develop a deeper understanding of how responsibility will resolve our issues.
Awareness (being mindful of our thoughts in the moment) helps us lower our defenses and view our problems in a more nuanced way. Awareness provides reflections and different perspectives that can benefit how we think about an issue and why we feel the way we do. When we become aware of where our pain originates, we can begin to work with it by acknowledging its root cause and taking the necessary steps toward forgiveness by taking responsibility.
Practice responsibility
People can hurt us deeply, and conversely, we can hurt those around us. In the end, however, we must take responsibility for ourselves and be accountable for what we can do to release tension.
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In- and Out-of-Control List
When it comes to responsibility and forgiveness, we need to distinguish what is within our control and what is beyond it. We cannot control people, but we have the ability to change our own behavior by making a list of what we are responsible for acting on and what we may not be able to change in others but can communicate to them.
Letting Go
Letting go does not mean avoiding the issue but addressing it. When we let go of a problem (or multiple problems), we acknowledge that it exists and that we need to release it from our system. One way to let go is:
- Start by accepting the given consequence of the problem and acknowledging that it is what it is.
- Then ask yourself how you want the problem to be handled and how much you want it to affect you. Ask yourself as many questions as you need: Do I really want this to dominate my life? What good does it do to dwell on it?
- Find answers to your questions by aligning them with your moral and principled beliefs.
- Find satisfaction (a state of happiness and fulfillment) in your answers by drawing responsible conclusions and acting on them.
When it comes to forgiveness, our moral and principled beliefs may sometimes conflict with each other, and we must take responsibility for this. Letting go helps us accept what we can take action on and what is beyond our control.
Practice Proactivity
Being proactive (taking initiative to shape or manage a situation rather than merely reacting to it after it happens) helps us take responsibility in the moment. You are responsible for the present moment and respond consciously to your current situation.
To practice proactivity, focus on doing one thing at a time. The more attention (focus, concentration) you give to details, the more aware you will become, which will help you handle the challenges you struggle to forgive.
Whether you are listening to a friend’s problems, dealing with a technical issue, working on a project you want to complete, or facing any other significant tasks or difficulties, break them down into steps and understand the fundamental nature of the task or problem. Once you understand what you can do, act on it by taking responsibility for your actions, addressing one step at a time, and completing each step when you are satisfied with your effort.
Post-it Notes
Create a Post-it note with three tasks you need to complete before the day is over. You can prepare them the day before or in the morning. Start by tackling tasks you know you can accomplish, gradually building your sense of responsibility by completing three essential tasks each day.
When it comes to forgiveness, one task might involve seeking forgiveness or gaining clarity in a difficult situation to forgive.
Post-it notes are a great tool for developing responsibility. They create a symbolic commitment, reminding us of the tasks we need to complete to make our day more meaningful, happy, and successful. As long as our Post-it notes guide us in the right direction, they can only be beneficial.
Conclusion on Responsibility
Responsibility is the key factor in forgiveness. It helps us process our emotions and thoughts with care and intention by taking action. It gives us an outlet to understand what enters our system and what we are responsible for letting go of. Additionally, we can benefit from practicing other techniques that expand our understanding of how to forgive.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness (a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique) is a practice that makes us aware of our emotions, thoughts, and the present moment. It can bring attention to something we struggle to forgive and help us resolve the issue.
Before diving into mindfulness exercises, we need to establish some foundational principles. We must be open, allowing us to accept that our thoughts exist without necessarily acting on them. We must be mindful of our breathing, giving full attention to the exercises, and we must be patient as we ease into them. These three elements are essential to fully understanding and experiencing the benefits of these exercises.
Meditation
Take 5–10 minutes each day to do absolutely nothing but breathe. Avoid looking at your phone, emails, TV, or drinking coffee—just do nothing. Sit upright or lie down in a quiet, distraction-free space. Focus on your breathing, allowing thoughts to pass without letting them affect you. Find peace in the present moment. If your thoughts become overwhelming, redirect your focus to your breath by taking deep inhales, noticing how far the air travels through your body, and exhaling when you’re ready. You can count the seconds for each inhale, hold, and exhale.
Meditation helps relieve tension related to our struggles with forgiveness. It is a tool that minimizes excessive thoughts and pulls us out of rumination (dwelling on a particular negative thought, memory, or scenario repeatedly). The better we become at controlling our thoughts, the easier it is to process forgiveness.
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Awareness Conversations
This can be an intense exercise. I recommend only doing it when you feel ready to handle constructive criticism. How do you know when you’re ready? When you remain calm and mindful while receiving criticism. This exercise is not an attack—it is an opportunity for growth.
Talk to a trusted friend, colleague, group, or professional about the issues you want to work on letting go of. Inform them of your reasons for wanting to improve your ability to forgive. Make sure it’s a safe space and enter the conversation with the intention of learning more about yourself.
If/when you feel frustrated or upset, take a deep breath and remind yourself that the purpose is self-improvement. Resume the conversation when you’re ready.
You can start the discussion with questions about your level of forgiveness, such as:
- Do you notice situations where I struggle to let go?
- Do you sense harmful tendencies that affect me or others?
- Do you see values that prevent me from forgiving?
- Do you notice moral conflicts in my actions or lifestyle?
The person you speak with doesn’t need to have all the answers. Simply raising awareness will help you find your own solutions.
An awareness conversation can be eye-opening, revealing truths you might not have noticed. People have different perspectives on us, which can shed light on blind spots. Others also have their own views on forgiveness—listen actively, try their approach, and see if it resonates with you.
Conclusion on Mindfulness
Mindfulness is always beneficial. It helps us become aware of our thoughts and organize them into different categories. When we practice mindfulness, we gain consciousness, meaning we understand how our thoughts can be explored and expressed, and whether they help or hinder us. Forgiveness can be a lengthy process, but mindfulness allows us to navigate it more efficiently and effectively.
Practice Empathy
Empathy (the ability to understand and share the feelings of others) is a vital skill in our journey toward forgiveness, especially when we struggle to forgive others. Empathy enhances our awareness of our surroundings and helps us grasp the essence of why people act the way they do. It allows us to think beyond ourselves and understand others, which is necessary for giving and receiving forgiveness.
A self-centered mindset can lead to irrational conclusions, but with empathy, we begin to see why we feel a certain way and how we can change it.
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Reframe
Take a situation—past or present—that you struggle to forgive. It could be anything from relationships and disagreements to a work-related issue that bothers you. Try to reframe it with the intention of understanding the other side by considering:
- The other person’s situation
- Their values
- Their intentions
- Their reasons for acting the way they did
When you understand their perspective by resonating with their behavior or actions, you can more easily recognize the motives behind their choices, making forgiveness more attainable.
Reframing is a powerful technique for challenging your own thinking. We all have our personal way of seeing things, but we can learn a lot from others by reconsidering our stance.
Practice Higher Self Awareness
The higher self (the part of us that is free from ego and hierarchical thinking) puts us in a mindset where we genuinely wish the best for both others and ourselves.
Our ego (a person’s sense of self-worth or self-importance) can sometimes create barriers to forgiveness. We may become overly focused on our own perspective without considering others. While ego can serve a healthy purpose by reminding us of our own needs, it can also harm our relationships if we only think about ourselves and neglect those around us. To cultivate empathy, we must remember to include others in our perspective rather than only thinking about our own experience.
Try making a list of things you find difficult to forgive and why. If your reasons are primarily self-centered, attempt to illuminate them through the lens of your higher self.
The higher self improves our judgment by providing rational arguments. It allows us to develop empathy and see perspectives that our usual thought patterns might overlook.
Conclusion on Empathy
Empathy can help release negative thoughts and emotions in relationships. With empathy, we can identify the root of a problem—whether it lies within ourselves or elsewhere—and let go of it. Understanding why others act the way they do naturally leads to empathy.
Practice Positivity
One way to detox from negative thoughts and emotions is through positivity. Positivity enables us to critically examine our thoughts and balance them with a more optimistic perspective. It can reshape our perception of a situation or person and enhance our well-being.
Gratitude
Gratitude is powerful medicine against resentment. There is always something good to be found in a difficult situation, which makes gratitude exercises enlightening. A gratitude practice can include answering prompts such as:
- Three things I am grateful for
- One thing I can be proud of
- A person I am grateful for
- The best part of today
- A reason to look forward to the future
- A kind act I have received
- A valuable lesson I have learned or am learning
- How can I show gratitude to the people I care about?
Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement helps us acknowledge our own efforts without self-criticism. When we realize we were right or wrong in a situation, self-deprecation doesn’t help. If you struggle with forgiving yourself or others, try shifting to a positive approach. Make a list of negative thoughts you have about yourself and reframe them in a positive way.
Negative Approaches:
- I’m really bad at ___.
- I get frustrated whenever I think about ___.
- I hate myself.
Positive Reinforcement:
- I am improving at ___ and might already have some strengths.
- I recognize my negative reaction, but I am working on my mindset toward ___.
- I love myself.
Approaching yourself with positivity is just as important as acknowledging areas for improvement. A positive mindset leads to the release of negative emotions and thoughts, fostering self-acceptance and the understanding that we are all human.
The Forgiveness Process
As mentioned, forgiveness is a conscious process of releasing negative thoughts and emotions. To forgive or be forgiven, we must reflect mindfully and take responsibility for letting go of what weighs us down. It is our own responsibility to free ourselves from what holds us back and to thrive in life.
Not every problem has the same solution. Some things we learn to brush off in a healthy way, while others require more courage or love to resolve. By practicing these exercises regularly, you will find it easier to release negative thoughts and emotions.
Take Responsibility
We may hold onto lifelong pain—toward ourselves or others—that can dissolve once we take responsibility for our own well-being. Taking responsibility means telling ourselves that we need to improve and take care of our physical and mental health. Responsibility is a crucial part of forgiveness.
Show Empathy
We can find relief in understanding other people’s actions and emotions and paying attention to their mental state (a person’s mood and its effect on their thinking and behavior). If we focus only on ourselves, we won’t be able to understand those around us or the society we live in. By practicing empathy, we gain insight into why people act as they do, which makes forgiveness easier.
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Taking things personally often stems from feeling that our identity is being attacked. If someone’s words or actions hurt us, we may internalize them. However, not taking things personally does not mean allowing others to disrespect you. Be aware of how people’s influence affects you, and don’t let them negatively impact your thoughts and emotions. A mindset rooted in good intentions toward others can also be beneficial. People rarely aim to insult or bring out the worst in you—more often than not, the opposite is true.
Be Aware of the Ego
The ego (the “I” or “self” in a person’s sense of self-respect) can be healthy when we learn to acknowledge ourselves. There is nothing wrong with being happy with who you are and loving yourself—in fact, it’s a positive way to relate to yourself. However, ego becomes problematic when we see ourselves as superior or inferior to others. This is one of ego’s traps: when we feel entitled to more than others or view life as unfair compared to others, our ego works against us.
To develop a healthy relationship with your ego, reflect on your morals and principles. What do you believe is right and wrong, and how can you use that understanding to forgive?
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Stop Playing the Victim
The victim mentality works against forgiveness. If we constantly blame others for everything, our ego will only cultivate negativity, creating even more situations that require forgiveness—something we should strive to avoid. One way to counteract a victim mindset is by taking responsibility for our own lives. When we start seeing ourselves as accountable for our own happiness, we can begin to build stronger relationships, improve our skills, and develop a deeper understanding of others.
Forgive to Forgive Yourself
Forgiving in order to forgive yourself is a process of accepting and letting go of negative thoughts and emotions. It is a way of acknowledging our pain and making conscious choices to release it. Through this process, resentment fades while we maintain a mindful and responsible approach. We accept that our actions have had consequences and focus on learning from them.
Implementing Forgiveness
Forgiveness is something we do for our own sake—to achieve a healthier mental state. With forgiveness, we can find solutions and make peace with what is hurting us in the present. It strengthens our relationships with friends and family, allows us to let go of what burdens us, and helps us stop seeing ourselves as victims.
The reason we forgive is to release negative emotions and thoughts. No one thrives in resentment or hatred, even if we might think so. Rarely does anything good come from holding onto negativity, and acting on it is unhealthy for both ourselves and those around us.
Forgiveness teaches us how to respond to and move past painful experiences in a healthy way.
Healthy Problem-Solving
Forgiveness helps us process emotions and find solutions to our problems in a healthy manner by acknowledging and addressing our challenges with care and thoughtfulness. We manage difficulties by making conscious decisions to let go.
Improved Well-Being
Forgiveness frees us from negative symptoms. Our mind and body release anger, frustration, stress, and more when we learn to forgive. It can enhance well-being in various areas of life. Work or home conflicts can be resolved by understanding the principles of forgiveness.
Increased Emotional Intelligence
Forgiveness can strengthen our emotional intelligence (the ability to be aware of, control, and express our emotions while managing relationships wisely and empathetically) by helping us regulate our emotions with care. When we refuse to forgive, we may act inconsistently and become vengeful. Forgiveness allows us to accept others’ mistakes without repeating them ourselves, and it helps us regulate our emotions so we can act in alignment with our morals and principles.
Contentment
When we learn to forgive, we also become better at handling doubt, which can influence our decisions. We find satisfaction by feeling happy and secure in our choices, regardless of the outcome. If we recognize that we have made mistakes, it becomes easier to forgive ourselves and make amends.